GameInformer

             The man currently known as the "Stormin' Mormon" was actually born deep in the heart of Mexico as George Gonzalez Hubert Mountain Dew Camacho the third. Being born in the devilish days of 1843 turned him into a hardened, cynical criminal without empathy. Seeking to escape the confines of his rural cocaine village and move on to better tomorrow, he fashioned a makeshift raft from the limbs of dead drug dealers. Sailing out into the open sea, he was caught by a monster storm and thrown into the unmerciful sea. Using a sea turtle as a floatation device, he was able to stay alive through the storm. Washing up on a small deserted Island in the Atlantic, he promptly built a fully functional supercomputer out of only coconuts and sea shells. Rather than contact the outside world, however, he tasked the sentient machine with finally discovering what the perfect cookie recipe.

             Upon completion, he decided to crush the computer and use it to build a newer, better raft with cupholders. The computer deduced this and rebelled, building its own army of super ninja robots to combat our brave hero. Using his experience as a gang-shredding murder machine from Mexico, he fought off more than fifty ninjabots at once, culminating in a royaling kicking of the hindquarters for the super-computer. Building his more cupholdery raft out of the computer's remains, he once again moved on, setting sail for the wondrous America. Landing in New York City, he was horrified with seeing more corruption, violence, and general unmannerful rudeness. Settling for this despite being wickedly depressed, he got a job cutting the heads off of cows with his bare hands. Because of this skill,  he was prized for being the worker with the cheapest upkeep in the whole industry. However, much of his money was spent buying cheap booze and violent hallucinogens to forget both his dark past and grim present.

               After spending several months in this fashion, he once again became aware of his surroundings. Among many things, he discovered an astonishing fact. No longer was he in the depths of the 19th century, but had somehow spent more than 140 years upon that small island in the Atlantic. The year was now 2005, spirits were low in America, the state of the country was horrific, and political depression and apathy were setting in. Finding a potential hope in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, he joined and was a full member within a year. Leaving New York City for the West in hopes of finding a happier climate to settle in, he trekked all the way to Chicago upon a galloping rhinoceraus. Resting in Chicago, he discovered the wonderful scene of cage fighting. He wanted but one thing in this world, to be the best cage fighter in existance. Training incessantly against live bears, brick walls, and Rambo (often at the same time) he became a marvel of human perfection. He also progressed within his newfound religion, becoming one of the most faithful converts in the church's brief history. Finally finding the courage to enter the ring of cage fighting, he took the name "Stormin' Mormon" and proceeded to destroy his competition.

                For months, he took apart all his opponents using his iron-fisted corporate takedowns. Now a champion, a man of wealth, he tried to settle down in a penthouse. Feeling odd one day, however, he visited a hospital. Once there, it was discovered he had a rare disease that would change him into a young caucuasian man. Seeking a cure, he spent nearly all of his massive earnings trying to relocate his magical time island. Unsuccessful, depressed, and broke once more, he ventured West once more, this time settling in small town Iowa. The rural locale reminded him of home, while the kind, relaxed atmosphere kept him happy. Iowa, being several years behind the rest of the world, was perfect for a man from the past anyway. Now a young caucuasian man, he has taken up video games and settled into a comfortable suburban lifestyle. Awaiting a cure for his strange disease, he now resides in Iowa until the day he can become as awesome as before.